Something Beautiful

Dear Something Beautiful-

A lot of stuff has been going on in my life lately which includes some life changes that have been difficult for me to deal with.  Life does go on regardless and I realized that a lot of pain in life is caused by what I think life should be and what it actually is.  It took a long time to come to this conclusion, but now it's just a matter of living by what I learned.  Yes, there are a lot of things that I thought should have happened, but they didn't and the more I fight that, the more difficult life will be.  I am taking life more as it comes at me now, preparing for what I can, but more just enjoying what this crazy obstacle of life really is and rolling with the punches.

Part of this accepting life for what it is, is allowing myself to enjoy the things that happen instead of taking it so seriously. I don't need permission to enjoy something and I think I feel guilty a lot, like I don't deserve it or I am being selfish.  I am not waiting for permission anymore and I am living my life as I want to. I am no accident, we are all put on this Earth for a reason and we are a once in a lifetime occurence.  We owe it to ourselves, others and God to be exactly who we are.

One of the things I have been doing is finding something beautiful every day.  I read an inspiring story that lead me to contemplate life and what is really the small stuff that is important.  To me, life does not get much more peaceful than animals and nature.  These are some of the "things" that make me happy.  I was taking a jog today through my usual route and noticed as I was running in, the two swans that are native to my apartment complex.  I've seen these swans many times before, but I never stopped to really look.  I stopped this time, walked over to the edge of the pond and gazed at these two swans who were peaceful and content, floating through the water with their own reflection in front of them.  It was the most beautiful site. A comforting sense of calmness settled over me and I knew from that moment, I'm going to be OK.  God is going to take care of me and although I don't know where or what will happen tomorrow, I am going down the right path and I am exactly where I should be.

The lovable,
Rebecca

Life as I know it

Dear Life as I know it-

Pretty standard last couple of days.  Mother's Day was a very nice time with church, brunch and a beautiful day spent with the family. The Hideaway in Franklin has a very nice brunch by the way.

Monday, I went to my first Brewer game of the season. It was Zach Greinke's first game pitching at Miller Park and he pitched great.  Towels were handed out to the first 30,000 fans to wave around during the game.  Interesting note about the towels, they were extremely cheaply made and tiny pieces of fabric would fall off as we would swing them around.  This made quite the entertaining combination with the guy in front of us who was wearing a lint trap for a sweater.  We decided to make it our personal goal to see how many pieces of towel could collect on his sweater by the ninth inning.  By the end of the game, it was pretty impressive. After snapping a few pics and sharing laughs, my sister and I agreed proudly, "I can walk away from this."  Our work was done.

Today started out gloomy, but gradually became a beautiful day and by the time I left work, it was picture perfect.  I was able to take a nice jog and clean as well. Overall productive day.  Off now to go bowling with some friends.

Until next time...

The Lovable,
Rebecca

Motivated

Dear Motivated-

Ran a 5k at Miller Park today.  I beat my last 5k by a minute and I have to say, I was pretty stoked.  I don't know what it is about running. It's close to torture the entire race, but when you cross the finish line, the feeling is indescribable.  Pretty much, the juice is worth the squeeze and it's why I keep doing it.  I feel like a good run clears my head, makes me feel closest to God.  I greatly prefer running outside and I despise treadmills; it defeats the purpose.  Being outside, with nature and without headphones on a sunny, 75 degree day.  It doesn't get much better than that.

After my race, I had every intention of cleaning my place, but to stay conducive to my procrastinating lifestyle, I put it off and only got two loads of laundry done and took out the trash. After the laundry, I figured maybe I wasn't motivated because I only had 1 cup up coffee today as opposed to my usual 3-4.  I decided to make a gas station run for a red bull.  After two sips I thought, why not head over to my parents for a visit? It lead to a 6 hour visit and great wine and conversation into the night with my mom. I never got around to cleaning (mind you, I had wash still in the machine).

Side note: A dillemma that I've found myself in is that I am starting to feel the effects of Spring allergies.  Allergy medication gives me insomnia and makes it difficult for me to breathe. Trying to decide which is worse, the symptoms or the "solution" to the symptoms.  My allergies are annoying, thinking about giving it another whirl with the meds and hoping for the best this time around.

Mr. Peepers is insistant on cuddling. Gotta run.

The Lovable,
Rebecca

Day in the Life

Dear Day in the Life-

Had a dentist appointment this morning.  I noticed that for whatever reason, my anxiety about going to the dentist has diminished significantly since my last visit.  I’m not sure if it’s because I switched dentists, or because I finally started realizing how much I love to smile and going every 6 months is essential to the livelihood of my mouth.  The more I procrastinated in the past going to the dentist, the more I feared going which lead to further procrastination. This leads me to believe that my anxiety did not stem from any traumatic event that happened in my dental childhood, but rather a result of my procrastination deceiving my mind to believe there was a reason why I was putting it off, thus building a fear. In any event, I realized that as long as I am there, I should make my next appointment right away because I know I won’t make one once I step out of the building. 

I learned that I am a habitual procrastinator but feel tremendously better if I tackle the task at hand immediately. I actually submitted my taxes this year ahead of time and it was great (thought I’d share that).  One would think that the positive feeling associated with finishing something ahead of time would encourage me to stop procrastinating, but it is simply not the case.  For some reason, I’m drawn so powerfully to putting something off, that it overrides the positive feelings of on time completion. 

I bought a late afternoon snack today from the convenience store in the building at my work.  The man who owns that store is very nice, but no matter what the size of my purchase, he insists on putting the things in a bag and questions me when I refuse one.  It made me wonder why, especially to minimize the costs you would think he would only offer bags when necessary or when someone asks. The bag itself is no larger than your standard paper lunch bag, though I’m sure if he habitually pushes bags on customers, the costs would add up.  Today, I went with a co-worker and observed her check-out process with the man.  He did not offer, let alone insist she have a bag, even though her quantity was the same amount as mine. I had a total of three small items: a soda can, beef jerky and chips.  When I refused the bag, his response was “but how will you carry everything?”  I gave in, “OK, I’ll take a bag.”

As I carried my paper bag of items up to my desk, I realized that I couldn’t recall the last time I actually carried a paper grocery bag away from a store.  They are always plastic.  “Is plastic OK?” is the common bagger question.  It made me wonder why plastic is so preferred over paper these days and what is exactly behind this bias.  After a little Internet research, I found that environmentally, plastic and paper both biodegrade at the same rate over a 40 year span; however, paper is bulkier and takes up more space in the landfills and is also a little pricier to produce, making plastic the favorite.  Globally, plastic is winning the race.  I must say I have an abundance of plastic bags filling up in my pantry and I can’t use them fast enough.  No one knows exactly how many plastic bags are thrown away each year, but it is estimated in the billions (though only .6% are actually recycled).

Well, I think that’s enough thought for today.

The Lovable,
Rebecca

Lesson Learned

Dear Lesson Learned-

My fear of commitment stems from fear of losing my sense of self by being stuck with something I can’t get out of and having it define who I am.  I’m afraid of losing my sense of self because I believe I’m not strong enough as a person and centered on who I am.  I am running from commitments instead of facing my problems and taking control of my life.  What I need to realize is, there is not a whole lot I can’t control. I control my thoughts, and although it’s impossible to control feelings, I control how I react to my feelings. I control what I choose to see and not see, I control my decisions and choices. The only thing I can’t control is other people’s actions; however, I can control how I react to their actions. 

These are MY choices, MY decisions and MY commitments.  I need to stay true to who I am and not succumb to my negatives thought patterns and external opinions.  I let other people’s thoughts control me because I can’t control my own. I am seeking answers everywhere else because I refuse to look within myself, swallow my pride, stop blaming other people and stop self-loathing.  I need to forgive myself for making the same repeated mistakes and forgive other people for mistakes and wrongdoings they have done to me.

I am not perfect, other people are not perfect.  We live in a world of sin, hatred, dishonesty and selfishness.  It is hard to stay centered and true to who you are in this world when you are being torn in different directions, including your own thoughts, and temptation is thrown at you.  It is even harder when you are unsure of your true self and hold on to negative emotions.

Happiness, forgiveness, acceptance, belief in yourself, are all things that no one else can give you.  You can’t find it in a job, you can’t find it within a relationship, you can’t find it within hope for the future or memories from the past, it’s 100% within yourself.  No one can give it to you and no one can take it from you.

If I keep looking to relationships and other people for my answer, it will be the same spiraling mistakes I have done in my past and I will continue to blame other people for why I am not happy. Things that happen are not by chance, not because of “destiny.” They are done as a direct result of choices and decisions you make in your life.  We have free will, we have the power of choice, and we control where our lives go.

My life is up to me.

The Loveable,

Rebecca